Classic entertainment… with a hilarious touch of the Cape!

Bond to stay in Cape Town with Joumasepussy, The Living DA Lights

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CAPE TOWN. The estate of James Bond author Ian Fleming has confirmed that the latest Bond novel, named Carte Blanche and set in Cape Town, is just the first of many future Bond novels to be set in the South African city. According to a spokesman, next year will see the publication of Joumasepussy, followed in 2013 by The Man With The Golden Gums, featuring a toothless super-villain called Tikkop.

Carte Blanche was launched on Friday at a lavish event in Cape Town attended by all 27 of South Africa’s fiction readers.

The launch also briefly sparked a sensation in Derek Watts’ home as the M-Net anchorman assumed he would be playing the super-spy in the film version.

However, the excitement reached fever-pitch as publisher Paige Turner revealed that the Mother City would be the setting for at least five future Bond adventures.

She said that Joumasepussy and The Man With The Golden Gums would herald in a “brave new world of sun, sea, sex and samoosas” for the super-spy.

“We’re especially excited about the character of Tikkop with his collection of Faberge tik-lollies,” she said. “And Letha Punani, the busty deaf-mute meerkat-whisperer, is one of the sexiest femme fatales the series has ever seen.”

But, she said, readers could expect “some changes” to established Bond tropes.

“For starters he won’t be driving an Aston Martin while he’s in Cape Town,” she explained. “Mainly because driving an Aston Martin in Cape Town advertises the fact that you have a microscopic penis and weren’t hugged enough when you were a baby.”

Instead, she said, he would be driving an iconic Cape Town car: a 1996 Toyota Conquest with mags, spoiler, air-intake, blue LED lights under the doors, and the legend “GESKUD MA’ NIE GEWURRIE” painted down the side.

Turner also revealed that Bond’s tough-as-nails boss, M, was being replaced with a Capetonian.

“She’s called H, she works in local government, and she’s also a gruff, powerful ball-breaker. Her talents are international diplomacy and singing ‘Koekie Loekie Met Die Stywe Broekie’.”

However, she said, such changes would not detract from “classic Bond” storylines in the future.

Turner confirmed that Fleming’s 1958 classic, Dr No, would be updated as Nay, Doktor!, a sizzling medical thriller in which Bond has to infiltrate Groote Schuur hospital and convince a TB patient to finish her medication regime before her super-sputum unleashes a mega-pandemic.

You Only Indicate Twice will see Bond trying to survive a short drive to the corner cafe, while Cape Town politics become the centre of the gripping election thriller, The Living DA Lights.

Finally, said Turner, fans could look forward to a shattered Bond living under a bridge and hopelessly addicted to marijuana in An Entjie of Solace.

“James needs to pick up the pieces of his life and fight his toughest challenge yet: the diabolical Stinkvinger, a taxi owner who flings his rivals into a tank full of genetically mutated killer snoek.”


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